Past the Mission

[ravencallscrows]

I don't believe I went too far
I said I was willing
She said she knew what my books did not
I thought she knew what's up

Tori's going to be playing Key Arena tonight, and yet again, i'm not going to see her. I just can't see her playing an arena show. Tori's at her best- and always has been- with much smaller audiences. Anything past a few thousand would seem to just lose the intimacy (if in fact one can be intimate in a crowd of two thousand) which makes her shows so compelling.

Past the mission
Behind the prison tower
Past the mission
I once knew a hot girl
Past the mission
They're closing every hour
Past the mission
I smell the roses

Her shows didn't always get such acclaim. She played the second concert i saw after going to university (The Bangles were the first, if anyone's interested), at the Mosque Theatre in Richmond, Virginia, in November of 1985. I can't recall who else was on the bill that night. It's hard to believe that it has been over seventeen years now. At that point, she was playing less-than-remarkable 80's pop, roughly in the Madonna/Cyndi Lauper/Pat Benatar vein (this was a few years before the release of Y Kant Tori Read, but in generally the same style). What did distinguish her at the time was that after the set, she wandered around in the crowd- a few hundred college students- and talked to people. I can't remember what we talked about, but am fairly sure that i was well on my way to developing quite a crush on her by the end of the evening.

She said they all think they know him
Well she knew him better
Everyone wanted something from him
I did too but I shut my mouth
He just gave me a smile

After that, i managed to make many of the dates she played in the area, and at times we hung out after the shows, and ended up becoming friends. After my days at university, we ended up going in different directions, as she chased her dream and i wandered aimlessly in search of mine. We stayed in occasional contact, and i usually got sent tickets to shows when she was in the area.

Hey they found a body
Not sure it was his but they're using his name
And she gave him shelter
And somewhere I know she knows
Somethings only she knows

Fast-forward to April of 1996. Boys for Pele has just released, and the Dew Drop Inn tour opens the North American tour at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Centre on 9 April. It has been a rough year for both of us. Tori's coming out of a long-term relationship with Eric Rosse, who produced her albums before this one and played on YKTR; i'm seperated from my (now) ex-wife, due to her continued drift into radical fundamentalist Christianity and increasing unwillingness to compromise on anything.

Tori plays ferociously, as usual. It's clear, though, that she's hurting on an emotional level, and not just a little. The energy drives her in her music, and she puts on an excellent show. Afterwards, out of the eyes of the seventeen hundred or so in attendance, she appears as a fragile little girl who has been stressed near the breaking point. We do a bit of catching up, and spend more time all but crying on each other's shoulders

Having unburdened, things shift somehow. She looks up and says "Kiss me like a woman." Being the inept fool i often am, i don't understand this request and ask for clarification. "I don't need you to see me as a friend. I need you to see me as a woman. I need to be wanted. Kiss me as if you wanted me." This i understand- and have probably wanted to do since the mid-80's. Our evening continues from there.

A few months later, i get a package in the mail- board-direct CDs of that show and the one the following night in Gainesville (which had significantly different and more positive energy)- with a note saying "Thought you might appreciate these. Thanks and love for being more than a friend," and a ticket for a show at Ruth Eckard Hall in Clearwater in October.

Right before the Clearwater date, i get another note. "Perhaps we can take time together again?" After this show (featuring a particularly rude Tampa Bay audience), Tori is again near tears, and i do what i can to comfort her. The evening progresses much as the one in April did, until we both have to go.

The passing of years has changed both of us. Getting married and having her daughter seems to have had a largely positive effect on Tori. She seems really and truly happy now, and seems to have discovered new facets of herself. I'm in a much better place as well. We haven't been in contact, though, since that October, and i lament the change in our friendship. Past the mission, i still smell the roses.

Comments

[turtlegrrl13.livejournal.com]

Wow, your post made me cry. That was soo wonderful and sweet.

I'm not going either.
I saw her many many moons ago in a tiny opera house in Baltimore. It was sooo beautiful. I want to always cherish that moment and not think about her and her piano in an arena.

[mediavore.livejournal.com]

I hate that she keeps coming back to Key Arena here. This is like the 3rd or 4th time I think. I only went the first time, and the sound was just not beautiful. That place is for basketball and hockey, not for voices and piano.

I think she played the Opera House on the Under the Pink tour. That would have been wonderful to see.

Re:

[wingedelf.livejournal.com]

Opera House, Benaroya Hall, maybe even the Showbox or some place about that size. Possibly the Paramount- it's at least built for acoustics. I can't think of any other venues which would be really fitting in the area.