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Dec. 18th, 2002 11:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ravencallscrowsWent out to coffee and the Mercury tonight, but left fairly soon after getting to the club because a) my throat's really scratchy and b) i was feeling like a third wheel. So i left rather quickly, and without notice. Listened to Apoptygma Berzerk's 7 on the way home. "Nearer" is one of my favourite Apop songs, and it got me reflecting on times past, and wondering if there was a lesson i didn't learn and needed to repeat. This will be much less a kiss-and-tell than either of the two past instances where i've opened up bits of my relationships past, but may still be of interest to those (and you know who you are) who've expressed an interest in mes affaires de coeur.
It's 1996 in southwest Florida. I'm seperated from my then-wife, having come to an absolute end of being willing to compromise everything to attempt to satisfy someone who wasn't willing to compromise on anything. I'm working a lot- full time in a photo lab, doing the occasional shoot, and working three to five nights a week at one of the local daily newspapers. Staying busy is one way to keep from feeling too alone. I usually didn't work both Friday and Saturday nights, so I always had at least an evening a week out, and one of my best friends, Sean, was an inveterate clubber, and always game to drag people along. We were regulars at Siesta Key's Beach Club, which usually had some band or other playing in one room and a DJ playing alternative rock, industrial, and whatever else in the other. Sean usually hooked up with someone or other almost infallibly each week. I've never been either that forward or that casual sexually.
It was there that i met Ruth Ellen. She was a friend of one of Sean's conquests of the week- if i remember correctly, Magda. Ruth Ellen fit most of the elements of my archetypal perfect partner- she was an intelligent, well-read, independent-minded redhead, and also happened to be another vegetarian. Although Sean and Magda didn't last long together (it wasn't too long after than he met Marie, who's now to the best of my knowledge his wife), Ruth Ellen and i started seeing each other. We had enough similar interests to maintain conversation on a fairly broad range of topics. She worked as a draftsperson for a major Gulf Coast architectural firm, but had grander visions of doing her own design work. A beautiful artistic type, and a redhead to boot. I just couldn't resist, not that i tried to too hard, because i was pretty lonely.
Ruth Ellen was the first person in many years who i trusted enough to open enough to to be emotionally vulnerable around. It doesn't happen particularly often. I'm by nature a pretty reserved, quiet sort. For the first time since my University days, i found myself opening up and sharing a bit of my inner soul. I was actually succeeding at writing verse in those days, and although i don't think i have more than a single piece dedicated to her, she read much of my work, and usually managed to find something kind to say about it. I wanted to be with her, to possess her on many levels. I've always had issues with being alone, and manage to be more comfortable when there's someone special occupying my time and thoughts.
We took long walks and skates together- at the time i was in far better shape physically than i am now, and usually managed to in-line skate at least 80km a week- and wanders down by Little Sarasota Bay and the Gulf of Mexico in the late evenings. There was much i'd have given up to be with her, and we both came to know this. I was too vulnerable, and had too low a self-esteem to be able to stand alone. Much of my image was built around not who i was, but who was in my life. This was a costly error, and a hard lesson to learn. I was too available, and would drop nearly anything to be with her.
I've faced that fear. I can look back and see where I did things in dangerously detrmiental ways, and where things i did were self-destructive. I did love, but not in a healthy way, but rather a toxic one. I hope that there weren't other lessons I needed to learn, because life has ways of presenting us with situations at times that seem very similar- i think it's the Divine Ones conspiring to see if we're paying attention. There are many things which i would not sacrifice now for anyone. I think i'm able to stand on my own now, and don't derive my self-image exclusively from the people around me. I'm not sure anymore that being alone is my deepest fear, but that not being loved is.
Anyway, enough babble from me for one post. You didn't even get any kissing in this one- Ruth Ellen wasn't quite Top 5 material (you've met two of them in these rants, and will likely meet a third shortly- i almost wrote about her tonight instead; and those who are the other two in my list are both familiar names to anyone who reads me write regularly)- just my own little psycho-analysis.
You are reaching your goals
But I'm still trapped inside of mine
Before the break of day
You will be gone and far away
In solitude
With no place to run or hide
I hear my own mind cry
And I fall just to see you rise
It's 1996 in southwest Florida. I'm seperated from my then-wife, having come to an absolute end of being willing to compromise everything to attempt to satisfy someone who wasn't willing to compromise on anything. I'm working a lot- full time in a photo lab, doing the occasional shoot, and working three to five nights a week at one of the local daily newspapers. Staying busy is one way to keep from feeling too alone. I usually didn't work both Friday and Saturday nights, so I always had at least an evening a week out, and one of my best friends, Sean, was an inveterate clubber, and always game to drag people along. We were regulars at Siesta Key's Beach Club, which usually had some band or other playing in one room and a DJ playing alternative rock, industrial, and whatever else in the other. Sean usually hooked up with someone or other almost infallibly each week. I've never been either that forward or that casual sexually.
It was there that i met Ruth Ellen. She was a friend of one of Sean's conquests of the week- if i remember correctly, Magda. Ruth Ellen fit most of the elements of my archetypal perfect partner- she was an intelligent, well-read, independent-minded redhead, and also happened to be another vegetarian. Although Sean and Magda didn't last long together (it wasn't too long after than he met Marie, who's now to the best of my knowledge his wife), Ruth Ellen and i started seeing each other. We had enough similar interests to maintain conversation on a fairly broad range of topics. She worked as a draftsperson for a major Gulf Coast architectural firm, but had grander visions of doing her own design work. A beautiful artistic type, and a redhead to boot. I just couldn't resist, not that i tried to too hard, because i was pretty lonely.
And I will go down on my knees
And pray the best that I can
I want you to be near...
And I will go down on my kness
And try to make you understand
My deepest fear
Ruth Ellen was the first person in many years who i trusted enough to open enough to to be emotionally vulnerable around. It doesn't happen particularly often. I'm by nature a pretty reserved, quiet sort. For the first time since my University days, i found myself opening up and sharing a bit of my inner soul. I was actually succeeding at writing verse in those days, and although i don't think i have more than a single piece dedicated to her, she read much of my work, and usually managed to find something kind to say about it. I wanted to be with her, to possess her on many levels. I've always had issues with being alone, and manage to be more comfortable when there's someone special occupying my time and thoughts.
With pain in my heart
I will travel on my own
To that place inside
Where I can be alone
In solitude
With no place to run or hide
Again I hear this voice cry out
And I fall just to see you rise
We took long walks and skates together- at the time i was in far better shape physically than i am now, and usually managed to in-line skate at least 80km a week- and wanders down by Little Sarasota Bay and the Gulf of Mexico in the late evenings. There was much i'd have given up to be with her, and we both came to know this. I was too vulnerable, and had too low a self-esteem to be able to stand alone. Much of my image was built around not who i was, but who was in my life. This was a costly error, and a hard lesson to learn. I was too available, and would drop nearly anything to be with her.
And I will go down on my knees
And pray the best that I can
I want you to be near...
And I will go down on my kness
And try to make you understand
My deepest fear
I've faced that fear. I can look back and see where I did things in dangerously detrmiental ways, and where things i did were self-destructive. I did love, but not in a healthy way, but rather a toxic one. I hope that there weren't other lessons I needed to learn, because life has ways of presenting us with situations at times that seem very similar- i think it's the Divine Ones conspiring to see if we're paying attention. There are many things which i would not sacrifice now for anyone. I think i'm able to stand on my own now, and don't derive my self-image exclusively from the people around me. I'm not sure anymore that being alone is my deepest fear, but that not being loved is.
Anyway, enough babble from me for one post. You didn't even get any kissing in this one- Ruth Ellen wasn't quite Top 5 material (you've met two of them in these rants, and will likely meet a third shortly- i almost wrote about her tonight instead; and those who are the other two in my list are both familiar names to anyone who reads me write regularly)- just my own little psycho-analysis.
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no subject
Date: 2002-12-19 06:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-19 06:31 am (UTC)