"Nearer" redux
Dec. 19th, 2002 01:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ravencallscrowsRevisiting last night's post about Ruth Ellen with another song, this one from Spirit of the West, a band which should be interesting to those of you who are Great Big Sea/Paperboys/Tragically Hip fans (Geoffrey from SotW also plays with the Paperboys).
I learned a lot from my time with Ruth Ellen. Irrelevant to the story related last night, she was in a recovery programme, and i ended up attending quite a few meetings with her. They did put a sharp focus on what was often problem drinking. It also showed me that there is a difference between addiction and abuse. I'm not convinced that 12-step programmes work for abusers, but there's a significant amount of the behavioural modification that can be applied which can teach abusers how to modify their approaches so that they don't continue a cycle of abuse.
No excuses. I am responsible for my behaviours and actions. Plain and simple. The AA mantra "The first drink gets you drunk" isn't valid for me. I refuse categorically and empirically to allow any substance that degree of control over me. Rather, it's a mental process which precedes the first drink, and recognizing that allows me to control it. There are times when i choose not to do so (like Tuesday night!), but that is significantly different than a cycle of abuse.
The other big lesson was learning that it was okay to be vulnerable and to open up. Taking the chance hurt in the long run, but it was an invitation to a dance that i otherwise wouldn't have attended. It was also something which has served well since then. I'm still pretty guarded with most people, and open up to very few, but it's usually a worthwhile exercise when it happens.
Bitter? Me? Surely you jest. Damn right i was bitter. I didn't handle the demise of the relationship particularly well. But after four drafts of what i wanted to say in parting, it was all consigned to paper, and delivered to her publically without comment. No particular intent to create drama, but there were things i felt i needed her to know which i couldn't trust myself to deliver succinctly in person.
Being up front with someone in a relationship is particularly important to me. As soon as i have interest or objectives in someone, i try to open those channels of communication. I like knowing where things stand, and if our feelings about what is or could be are comparable. Knowing that there was someone else for her would have made a significant difference in my emotional attachment.
Want to know the worst way to end a relationship with someone? After three months of getting increasingly close, be sure to introduce him to your new finacé. Especially when he didn't know you were seeing anyone else. Ouch. Openness is a two-way street.
Obviously, though, there's something less than complete truth in the last line of the chorus. I don't necessarily ever care if i see Ruth Ellen again, but there are times i wonder how she's doing, or the mysterious magic that is reminiscence conspires to remind me of something in the past. And the lessons learned are, hopefully, a permanent reminder.
By the time Tori came back to the area in October, i'm certain that i'd gone into a period where i needed her more than the other way around, but that goes back to the last story, and hasn't a place in this one.
The angel watching over me
was needed someplace else
Kicked out the feet from under me
and watched me fall to earth
i learned a thing or two, you know it
It's true.
I learned a lot from my time with Ruth Ellen. Irrelevant to the story related last night, she was in a recovery programme, and i ended up attending quite a few meetings with her. They did put a sharp focus on what was often problem drinking. It also showed me that there is a difference between addiction and abuse. I'm not convinced that 12-step programmes work for abusers, but there's a significant amount of the behavioural modification that can be applied which can teach abusers how to modify their approaches so that they don't continue a cycle of abuse.
No excuses. I am responsible for my behaviours and actions. Plain and simple. The AA mantra "The first drink gets you drunk" isn't valid for me. I refuse categorically and empirically to allow any substance that degree of control over me. Rather, it's a mental process which precedes the first drink, and recognizing that allows me to control it. There are times when i choose not to do so (like Tuesday night!), but that is significantly different than a cycle of abuse.
The other big lesson was learning that it was okay to be vulnerable and to open up. Taking the chance hurt in the long run, but it was an invitation to a dance that i otherwise wouldn't have attended. It was also something which has served well since then. I'm still pretty guarded with most people, and open up to very few, but it's usually a worthwhile exercise when it happens.
Goodbye, Grace
There are no other words i'd rather say
Than goodbye, Grace
Never want to see your face again
Bitter? Me? Surely you jest. Damn right i was bitter. I didn't handle the demise of the relationship particularly well. But after four drafts of what i wanted to say in parting, it was all consigned to paper, and delivered to her publically without comment. No particular intent to create drama, but there were things i felt i needed her to know which i couldn't trust myself to deliver succinctly in person.
Three long months of "going steady"
No promises were ever made
Everyday hands scrubbed and ready
to rock the cradle with you, Grace
I am indebted to you, you know it
it's true.
Being up front with someone in a relationship is particularly important to me. As soon as i have interest or objectives in someone, i try to open those channels of communication. I like knowing where things stand, and if our feelings about what is or could be are comparable. Knowing that there was someone else for her would have made a significant difference in my emotional attachment.
Goodbye, Grace
There are no other words i'd rather say
Than goodbye, Grace
Never want to see your face again
Want to know the worst way to end a relationship with someone? After three months of getting increasingly close, be sure to introduce him to your new finacé. Especially when he didn't know you were seeing anyone else. Ouch. Openness is a two-way street.
Obviously, though, there's something less than complete truth in the last line of the chorus. I don't necessarily ever care if i see Ruth Ellen again, but there are times i wonder how she's doing, or the mysterious magic that is reminiscence conspires to remind me of something in the past. And the lessons learned are, hopefully, a permanent reminder.
By the time Tori came back to the area in October, i'm certain that i'd gone into a period where i needed her more than the other way around, but that goes back to the last story, and hasn't a place in this one.
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no subject
Date: 2002-12-19 01:18 pm (UTC)*hugs*
Re: thank you
Date: 2002-12-19 07:04 pm (UTC)